Guys - "Love"

so the year didn't start out well. I had liked one of my best friends for months, I thought he'd liked me too. Hence the reason I emailed him everyday even though he was in Australia. When he came back he told me he didn't feel the same. Great. It was the 8th of January, I still remember the date.

I started going out with Tom on the 25th of march after going to the cinema and his house, he asked me when he was walking me home, romantic huh? Except he has split from his 18 month relationship 1 month before we got together and I dumped him on the 5th of September... after finding out he'd cheated on me with 2 of his ex's and that he still loved his ex..How lucky am I?

Tom starts going out with my friend Kelly a month after we've broken up, I see a pattern. I am gutted but try to hide it and avoid seeing them together. Kelly has totally mooned all over my group of lad mates because Tom meets up with them and she tags along so me avoiding them, never gets to see them ):  BUT just now, Tom not in Kelly's msn name, Tom not with Kelly... have they broken up?! I didn't think I'd be this happy if they have. Friends back + no awkwardness... right?

is this proof enough that the guy I like likes me?  - just a few texts we sent to each other, because we like to have a laugh right...

He sent

"Honey I'm home jezze it's been a hard day without seeing you beautiful. face."

I sent

"Lol, how was work gayface? xx"

He sent

" Work was awful without you and why Gayface thats just a violation of your intellegence sweetie. Xxxxxxx"

so this is going to be a short blog. I rant to much, if you're bored... feel free to read my previous blogs, anyway, to the point.

My friend says I've changed ever since my ex boyfriend. Well what can I say? He messed me up a lot. I'm getting back on track though, concentrating on my studies. At least I'm trying to.

I've recently decided I want to be a dentist when I'm older. I know, who wants to do that?! right? I do.. well paid. I know I could do it, it's like a challenge to take my mind off... well... everything.

 Back on track, my friend says I've changed, she doesn't like it... I can't exactly change back, this is me now. I've grown up. I hate just abut everything - now that doesn't sound right, but I'm a tad pessimistic. She's going to have to get over me changing isn't she..

It's not my fault I kinda... hate her a little bit now. When I told her about the guy I liked, I eventually started going out with she started throwing herself at him and flirting with him... even following him around. Anyway, this stopped when I split up with him, and now that I've moved on and like another guy... yeah she knows, she's started flirting with him constantly.

she never used to talk to him until she found out I like him.

I don't think she does the whole guy shorter than you thing anyway, and luckily I'm shorter than him, unlike her...

My friend had a conversation with his best friend, he said.

- he hadn't seen him act like he does around me since the last girl he was crazy about who left.

- he thinks we'd make a good couple with 'padding out' ... we argue a lot [;

- he says he likes me but he's in denial about whether he does or not.

okay so the last one wasn't a great sign but still.

Things are looking up? But I'm meant to be concentrating on studies!

and he didn't really speak to me much in the lesson we have together, he's going off me now my best friend is throwing herself at him, just because I don't?

Ciao x

are you? no..

because i feel like i am!

kelly and tom started going out, as expected. even after kelly said nothing would happen because tom still likes kat. he'll never be happy with kelly if all he wants is kat, i really hope he breaks kelly's heart because i feel so stabbed in the back by her.

she goes out with my ex, fair enough if i was over him, but i'm not!

i know i'm happier without him, i know that i don't want to be with him, i know that he cheats and is the biggest hypocrite i've ever met. i know she likes him..

but i just don't want them to be together... and yes, i am aware that i can't control who people go out with or who they have feelings for.

i feel so stabbed in the back!!

part of me wants to pull her to one side an slap her like she deserves i want her to know what a backstabber she is and how i loathe her for being so sly and cruel.

the other part of me wants to say it's okay kelly i don't want to be with him anyway because i know he cheats, he's cheated on 3 different girls now, i'd have thought you'd learn from that. but i know you always see the best in people. he said to me he only wanted a girlfriend for something to do around studying, oh and look that's you - he wants you when he's bored. I hope you can be happy together and i won't be here when it all falls apart - if anything i'll be laughing at you if that's okay because i know you made this desision yourself. OH an by the way... he asked you out the same way he asked me. Not that I want you to feel awkward. You might have thought it was special... it wasn't he's had much practice but i know that's just too mean to say.

I think I'll try avoid the topic...

I just don't want to see them kissing and hugging and holding hands in front of me because i know i'll be thinking that was once me GRAWR!

I can't even hang out with tom anymore... i've been avoiding him and we both miss each other. I'm not going to ruin his relationship with kelly but i haven't seen him in ages DX

and i still want to be friends with him... is that so bad?

and in other news.

on the stratford trip to see a midsummer nights dream and hamlet... my friend asked me out!

we sat together on the coach because the others had ditched us, how nice. So we had some laughs on the way there (we are after all 2 of the most random people that went) and when we got there we sat together during the play and went around the town skipping and holding hands. because that's what we do apparently -_-"

anyway, on the way back he started writing things in his phone and showing them to me to reply because he was too tired to talk and i was keeping him awake. it started off with "hi" etc and then he said "so how about a second date?" and i was like O_O

i tried not to show it though... calm at all times, then he said "think about it" and asked again a bit later [i thought he was joking because i only see him as a friend] and i gave the phone back to him with nothing in it and he said "enough said" then went quiet.

I STILL FEEL SO BAD!

and the guy that i actually do like has been asking me out over msn quite a few times and i've said i'll say yes if you ask me in person. he's really flirty and always compliments me but i think he's joking about it all seeing as when he asked me out in person he asked me across the class where i'm one of 3 girls and the guys were all taking the mick so i said no.

 I think that's scared him off asking me in person but the other day he said "i could do a lot better than beccah, no offense' i just said 'no offense!? none taken..' and then i tried to be normal for the rest of it but felt so deflated at least everyone there told him he couldn't do better than me. that made me laugh.

note to all girls; never be dependant on a guy.

 reason; they will all hurt you at some point, even if you can get over it and be stronger. but mostly because if you break up with them and go from spending every second of every day with them to never seeing them it hurts.

 I MISS TOM LIKE CRAZY.

 I don't still have feelings for him, I'm better than that. He fancies his ex and my friend. He broke my heart, he can regret all he likes I'm not going back to him. But seriously, he's a good friend. Not so much relationship material though... I miss him. I miss his talks and silly jokes. It's depressing talking to him though. He'll ignore me to talk to Kelly. That's just not nice is it.

I'm starting to blog again. I deleted my other blogs, I'm not entirely sure what was wrong with them because they were made private but it doesn't matter anymore, right?

 Since I found out Tom fancied Kelly I've been really down. It's hard to move on after only a month or so apart. He still isn't over his previous girlfriend Kat, so there's a chance he's not over me yet. What we had wasn't as intense as them though.